Duplicitous

I wrote a note to encourage someone the other day. When I got done writing I thought, “Did I write that to encourage or because I want to be liked?” 

Seriously.

I’m 45 years old. I have an amazing woman who loves me. My boys are awesome and doing well. I've got a great job and work with people I love. And I’m convinced, God deeply loves me. 

Still I write a note hoping for the affirmation, the “thank you.” If they feel better, then that’s nice too. What’s with that? 

But what bothers me more is I still have to worry about what is truly behind my actions. What is really motivating me? Am I acting in love for their best interest? Or mine?

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly perverse and corrupt and severely, mortally sick! Who can know it [perceive, understand, be acquainted with his own heart and mind]?” (AMP)

I am so duplicitous I don't know my own motivations. 

“What’s the big deal about why you wrote the note, as long as an encouraging note is written?” Well, because the motivation changes what I say. It shifts it from what may make someone feel better, to what they really need to hear. 

The difference is subtle, but profound.

When I ask God to help me search my heart, I don't always like what we find going on in there. But without the searching, there is very little true healing.